Evolution XXV

How to attract a woman or a man?

What is the controlling force in your life?

What makes you to do what you do? 

The controlling force in all human behavior, what drive us are 2 forces: 1) The need to avoid pain.   2) The desire to gain pleasure.

This twin forces are the drive behind all human behavior. 

Everything we do in life we do out our need to avoid pain or desire to gain pleasure. The need to avoid pain is biological it is built in your nervous system, why? Because it is a survival mechanism and your brain will fight like crazy anytime it sees you are asking to do something that gonna lead to pain. So we need to learn how to change what we link pain and what we link pleasure to. How? For example, what if you saw somebody that you are really attracted to and you want to be with her or with him, you want to develop a relationship but you didn't follow through. How it is possible? Because you associated more pain to walking up and ask her or him for a date then not doing it. Your thoughts are if I can do it I can have the pleasure but which one was the more powerful motivator force? The pleasure of being in a relationship or the potential pain of being rejected? If you didn't follow thought you already know the answer don't you? The pain. In general people do almost everything to avoid pain. 

Now a curious question: What happens when 2 pains come up side by side? What happens when if you do something it's gonna be painful and if you don't do it it's gonna be also painful. Which action would you take? For example you can say: If I don't go to this lady and meet her then I will never meet her again, I will never have a relationship I will miss her and you will have the pain of that. But also your brain it will say to you: But if you go to her and she reject you then you really will have pain. So what determines your behavior is which pain is more intense. 

Let see another example. All people in general want to be in a relationship. Why? Because people think that being in a relationship mean lots of what? Pleasure, love, happiness, security, being close, all those special feelings. Then they get in a relation and they say I don't want to be in a relationship because they now start to think that be in a relation means pain or worst they think a relationship is this incredible thing in the world, they love this person, gave 1000% of themselves, they think about him or her constantly and then as times goes by and something happens and this person let say leaves them, lost interest, or breaks up with her or him, or broke his or her heart in a million pieces. 

This already happened to you? If not don't worry probably it will. Well I'm not being so supportive now but in our life time we gonna have relationships that people are not so committed as we are so there is a chance of this happens. What happens now for some people they have what we call pain at this moment. So what they link in their mind is relationships = pain. Now there is a big problem because also in their mind they have also this association in their nervous system, that association that relationships = pleasure. So what happens in the future? Well for a long time this person will avoid relationships, they don't gonna be too attracted, they express themselves rarely, or they will be more closed. With time some of the pain goes off, then they see someone that they get attracted and they develop a relationship and as the relation starts to grow, there is a point in the relation when it goes really really well then immediately that person starts to sabotage the relationship. This already happened to you? Because inside your mind something happened like I'm having all this pleasure but I know what is going to happen next, relationships = pain, eventually so it's better get out now before the pain gets here.

So the controlling force of our life, what drives our life is what we link to pain and what we link pleasure to.

Pain and pleasure are the biggest motivators and of the 2, you will do more to avoid pain usually then ever you will to gain pleasure.     

So how can we use this understanding of the controlling force, how can we use the understanding that pain is a great motivator then even pleasure? One way to use it, it is to begin to understand that any moment and time our reality it's based on whatever we focus on. That any moment and time what you focus on it is the most real to you. All you got to do is to control your mental focus. So if you want to change your behavior you must focus on how not doing something is gonna be more painful then just going for. Another words link not taking action is more painful then just doing it. Do it to yourself upfront don't wait to life put you in a pressure situation that you feel that you have to do something. 

Use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you. You do that and you are in control of your life. You don't do that and life controls you. Unfortunately for most people life controls them. If there is anything you want to do and you can't figure out why you are not doing it, so there is just a simple answer, you link more pain to doing it to not doing it. You got to right now decide that you control the focus of your mind. You are in control and you have the ability to change your focus and then change your behavior instantly by learning to control pain and pleasure and what you link to. 

So how to attract a woman or a man? To be brutally honest with you I don't have the perfect answer for that question and it was not my original ideia when I decide this subject for this post to give you a bullet proof plan to how you can accomplish that but I just wanted to share with you how we work, what is happening inside our head when we are living our lives. 

But there is a few personal tips about the theme I want to share with you now, think of yourself like you are working in a restaurant serving your customers. When it's almost in the end of the meal of your customer and you ask him or her: Do you want a dessert? ( LOL what a comparison I'm giving to you now) The customer replies: No, I don't want. Do you think and feel rejected or offended? Of course no, you just continue your work, your life and you go to the next table and ask the same right? So why should you be offended or feel rejected when someone says to you no when it is about relationships? 

Another tip that I think can help you it is, as human beings we are wired  to accept something when someone want to give to us, so one of the ways to ask for example someone to have dinner could be: If I ... would you ...? If I invite you to have dinner would you accept my invitation? If I invite you to go to the cinema would you come with me? 

Even if the answer is no, remember another great word, don't forget we live in a big world that now because of technology became smaller and we can reach people in just a few seconds all over the world and a great word to remember after receiving a no is: NEXT. Simple isn't? Next, next person you will know, so say less to more people. You must understand about what we discuss above that some people they are not in a position of being open to a new relationship, so try to keep in touch from times to times if you really want that person in your life, let that person know that she or he is important to you, let her or she knows that to you, to be with that person is very important to you, so when it will be important for her or she be with you she or he can give you a call. And what it is interesting is that this is true for any scenario in life.

So what did you like the most about this post I invite you to below you can comment, write some questions, some insults, some compliments, something and if you think you need to share this post with someone go ahead.

As always, your friend.

-JM